They say that between every two pine trees, there is a doorway to a new world. Very Narnia style, right? (I was completely obsessed with those books when I was younger and they still have a special place in my heart.)
I took my friend who’s only living here for half a year to go explore the winter forest with me. Since I last posted a lot has happened, once again. I evolved some more, grew some more, learned new things and made more mistakes that I learned from. I keep surprising myself at how proud I am at who I’m becoming. I find life more and more amazing every day that passes. Yeah, that can sound really pretentious and maybe I sound fake to you, but I mean it. I keep being more and more in awe by everything that I experience every day.
Winter came and snow fell. First there was just a little bit and after a few days it snowed all night. I woke up in the middle of that night to how light it was in my room but fell back asleep before putting the pieces together (that the snow was reflecting all the light so the night wasn’t so dark anymore). The morning was white and bright and the air was crisp and it snowed a bit when I walked to university. I was thankful. It was so beautiful. Even though the snow messed up my not waterproof mascacra that I then had to correct in the bathroom.
I complain about darkness a lot. Autumn in Finland is really, really dark. While talking to one of my best friends on Skype, I (extremely dramatically) referred to Finland as the “land of eternal darkness” which sounds super melodramatic and we laughed at it for a good while but it feels like it here. I don’t like too much darkness. Not in huge amounts. I love sunshine.
I wanted Patty to see just how beautiful Finnish nature can be. I’ve taken her walking around in nature in the autumn and now in a winter forest as well and she really loved it. There’s something really peaceful and magical about being in a completely quiet forest with the snow falling. It’s just so picture perfect that you wish you could freeze the moment and stay in it for a little bit longer. We walked (or stumbled) through the forest, stopping at some places to take a picture or just stare at the scenery. We talked about a lot of things… Usually it takes the right environment for us to really have one of those deep conversations where we openly talk about things that could be a it vulnerable and private. I trust her completely and I think she’ll always be here for me.
I told her a lot of things and one of them was that I want excitement. I want to feel excited about someone. Today I also realized I’ve only been single for two and a half months. About that, a bit more. It’s crazy how much I feel I’ve changed and grown from the girl I was in August. And even though it hasn’t been long at all since I got out of a serious relationship, I want that connection. I want to feel like I’m a little bit crazy, I want to feel nervous every time I see that person. I know it is way too early to consider another relationship and that’s not what I’m looking for but I want to laugh uncontrollably and blush and feel so many emotions that it makes me dizzy. Most people probably want that.
I know it’ll happen sooner or later. I’ll meet someone who’ll make me feel some of that or all of it or even more. All I have to do is be okay with the fact that it might happen tomorrow, in 3 weeks, in 8 months, in 3 years or in 15 years. If I accomplish that, I’ve done all I can do. That natural connection that just is there isn’t very common for me and I want that and nothing less.
Traveling is a little bit like finding new worlds. Or exactly like it. In the past two months, I’ve gone to two different countries I’d never been to before. Estonia and the Netherlands. At the end of this week I’m going to Sweden as well. I love that I can find a new world by just walking outside my home and taking a short walk to the North of my city and getting lost in the nature (not literally lost). Or by going a little bit farther way by a plane or a boat. I always get a new perspective after seeing a new place. I love taking myself out of my comfort zone even though it terrifies me.
The fact that I feel okay with being alone right now, that I feel happy and calm being just by myself, means that I’ve learned something new at home and abroad over the past few months. I’ve grown. After my breakup, I didn’t really know how to go forward, how to move on. I didn’t know what I should do, where I would go from there. I had planned my future around that relationship. What was I supposed to do when the world I had come to know fell apart? I had to find out who I am again and what I want to do.
I’m on my way to creating the future I want for me and I think this path is the one I need to be on to get to where I’m meant to be.