I’m going to Holland on wednesday (and I’m leaving tomorrow night). It feels crazy to write that and actually internalize it. It hasn’t really dawned on me yet that I’m actually going. Whenever I go on trips, it usually takes until the day before (which today sort of is) or the day I leave for me to realize that I’m actually going. I guess I’m a bit slow with processing wonderful things.
Anyone who knows me knows that I love to travel. I’m completely obsessed with seeing new places and meeting new people. Wanderlust, that’s what they call the intense desire to travel.
This trip comes at a great time. I get to force (that’s a strong word, but hopefully you know what I’m trying to express) myself to be in a strange place, outside of my comfort zone and I get to just be me. I’m gonna leave all my worries and stresses back at home and I can be the worry-free version of myself and maybe I’ll find some new part of me in Amsterdam. I hope I will. When I come back, I’ll have a fresh perspective on everything. It’ll help me figure everything out with all the messes with relationships that have been going on.
Right now I should be packing for Amsterdam but instead I’m listening to songs Taylor Swift has written about breakups (and writing about how I feel). I relate to a lot of the lyrics she has and I’ve realized that even though I’ve started to feel fine and better and somedays really great, I’m not totally over my ex. I actually miss him. I miss laughing with him. I don’t miss being in a relationship, but I do miss him. So I’m feeling a bit sad. I think it has to be normal though, I cared and still care about him so much and I just wish him all the best. I hope he didn’t feel as lost as I did for 8 weeks and if he did, I hope he’s already found his way. He’s such an amazing person and no matter all the drama we had with the breakup, I still think he’s wondeful and deserves all the happiness he can handle. He deserves everything good and I really, truly hope he gets all of it.
I’m excited about all the new things I’ll see and get to try and taste and all the people I get to meet. I’m excited for all the memories, all the experiences and for all the pictures I can look at after a year and smile. It’s just a little difficult to not feel sad right now. He meant so much to me and it’s taking a lot for me to be okay. And maybe I shouldn’t even really try to feel okay, maybe I should just let things go as they do. It’s a bit scary for me since tomorrow will mark the beginning of a totally new experience. I’ve traveled alone and with family but I’ve never traveled with a friend. Never like this.
I know I said I was already getting better and I really am but wounds also don’t heal overnight. It takes time. I know I’m healing from the betrayal that I mentioned in my last post because I found out something more about it and it only hurt for about 10 seconds and then I just thought that I don’t need to care anymore. I cried over it already and those were already tears he never deserved. I’m getting better and every day I feel more connected.
For now, I’ll get back to packing and I’m just going to enjoy the hell out of the trip and this experience. I will hopefully update all of you very soon, from Holland!
P.S. Do you get the whole clock picture? Time! Time heals everything. That’s a picture from inside an art museum in Paris that I took while I was there with my mother a few summers ago.