winds of change

Hi. My name is Lyydia. I’m 19 years young (so you could say that I know absolutely nothing about life) and I’ve been struggling with making decisions lately.

I remember when people kept saying to me before and during high school that high school is where you find who you really, truly are. You supposedly magically figure out what your soul is made up of and you know exactly what you like and what you don’t and you’ll figure out what you want for the rest of your life. They also kept telling me that high school is the best four years of your life.

They were lying.

I’m still figuring out who I am and I’m on my second year of university now. I know, I haven’t had much time to grow up and there’s no hurry for me to suddenly be an (actual) adult and be smart and make the right choice and have my shit together. The truth is, I don’t think anyone has their shit totally together, ever. Doesn’t matter if you’re 20 or 40, I don’t think they know exactly what they’re doing every moment of the day. You only gain confidence in yourself as you age and trust yourself more. I asked one of my friends, who is over 10 years older than me, what it feels like to be his age (I was curious, ok?). He told me that you don’t really get psychologically older. You stay yourself, but you just grow. You evolve. I like that thought. I like the idea of a 30 year old version of me and a 40 year old version of me and a 50 year old version of me. I hope I still laugh really loudly and smile all the time. I hope I keep my best qualities that make me myself.

Back to what I started with. In the past few months, a lot has happened. I’ve been faced with so many decisions and choices to make that it just stressed me out so freaking much. It sounds silly, making a few choices can’t be that hard, can it? Well. If it’s really difficult decisions, yes, it can.

It really started when I broke up with a guy that I loved and still love. I didn’t believe that it was working, there was a lot going on with everything but I decided that I didn’t want to be in a long distance relationship anymore. I say that I didn’t because maybe I could’ve kept being in one but I felt like I was so sick of waiting and sitting at home and waiting for the environment to become perfect. I’m married to my education right now and university is keeping me in Tampere, Finland, for now. And he’s married to his job. It’s keeping him in Dubai for I don’t know how long still. So I made the call that it wasn’t working. There’s a long list of reasons that I won’t get into right now but maybe another time. Either way, the hardest part was losing my best friend. I lost a companion, someone who would’ve come running to me if I really needed him, if I really needed help or if I was in any kind of trouble. Someone who had my back. That really hurt. Right after the breakup, I got sick. I mean like physically sick. And I have a pretty good immune system in general. It felt so horrible to be at home alone so I went out a lot. I didn’t wanna feel lonely, I didn’t want to sit at home and start doubting the decision that I had made.

That break up was the beginning of so much change for me. I really asked myself, who am I? Am I really this cute, sweet, sometimes very bitchy, a little self absorbed but at the same time selfless girl? Did I want to be all flower dresses and live at the beach? I didn’t know. I had no idea what or who I really was right then and that terrified me. What did I really, really want, just for myself if I didn’t consider anyone else? I had no clue.

I have discovered who actually cares about me. One of my best friends, Teja, who I have only known since the beginning of 2016, has REALLY been there for me. I’m in a long distance friendship with her right now so we can’t actually hang out in the current situation. I didn’t text her much or try to talk to her the few weeks right after my breakup because she had sort of been involved in the pre-breakup drama (she was pulled in by him and I felt super weird about her being dragged into it). She had nothing to do with it, why should she be dealing with my relationship problems? After a while of the initial hurt from losing him and after I had started to (extremely slowly/sort of) heal, I talked to her more again. I tried to confide in her like I always do and she’s been there for me for every little thing that I tell her. Every text I send her or every single thing I say to her while we’re on a Skype call she will carefully listen to and advice me and tell me she’s here for me. She’s the kind of friend people dream of having. Loyal, honest, supportive, great listener, caring and she’s got a similar mindset as me. We both believe in growing and evolving and being positive and exploring and we love the same things. She’s the kind of friend I get lost in great conversation with and we end up talking for 5 hours straight and at the end of it, we’ll both laugh and say that it felt more like 20 minutes. Time flies when we talk. It’s like when you’re reading a good book and you get completely absorbed and lost in the words of the author. With us, we get lost in the conversation. And we just talk about our lives and hopes and dreams and what matters to us. It’s deep conversation. She’s that friend for me.

Another person I’ve been incredibly thankful and grateful to have is Patty. I met her maybe a week or two before I went through the breakup and even though we’ve only known each other for about 2 months, it feels like I’ve known her for so much longer. She’s loyal as hell and is there for me. She’s gone out for me, with me, when it felt too difficult to stay at home alone. She’s distracted me from being upset, she’s kept advicing me on everything and she has really, really had my back. I’m so happy I’ve met her. So, so happy.

Without my friends I would definitely not be where I am right now and I can say with a 95% confidence that I’d be in a worse place. They’ve helped me figure things out and they’ve helped me start healing.

It changed me to break up with him. I didn’t know I was capable of wanting to be alone (or wanting to not be in a long distance relationship) more than I cared for him. Our relationship was that serious. So I asked questions about myself to myself and I’ve been trying to answer them.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be exactly who I want to be. Maybe I will. Or maybe I’ll just keep trying to be the best version of myself because I actually do like who I am today. I haven’t always been someone I like, but I’ve got here.

One of my greatest strenghts is that I carry my heart on my sleeve. I think it’s amazing that I show my emotions with no hesitation. I think it’s amazing that I laugh a lot and that I smile all the time and that when I’m upset, I cry. I think it’s amazing that I’m capable of so much emotion. All the amazingly strong emotions make me feel so alive, even if it’s a negative emotion. I’m such an all or nothing person. I don’t believe in kind of doing things or kind of being something. I go all the way or not at all. I either care a lot or not at all. Someone took my emotional openness for a weakness. I decided to care for someone and he completly and utterly betrayed my trust in a way that no other male has ever done before.

This is a part of the last two months as well. And it confused me even more. Was I wrong in caring so much? Was this karma for hurting someone so badly, that now it was my turn to really get burned? Did I deserve this to be done to me? I’ve answered the questions I asked after I got burned. Nothing makes being betrayed by someone you trust easier though. But I learned something from it and he definitely did too. This was a part of my crash course into life in the past few months as well.

Besides asking all these questions about myself, I’ve had to make decisions regarding my future. And I’ve had to start thinking of some of the biggest decisions regarding my future that I’ll need to make very soon.

What is it that I want? To be happy. Isn’t that what everyone wants? I just don’t know what will make me happy. I’m really scared of making a wrong choice and not being happy, even while knowing that the reality is that I’ll probably be happy with any of the possible choices that I have to choose from. I just can’t decide what I want for myself. And if I don’t know, no one else will know. Lately, I haven’t felt a strong connection to my intuition. I’ve felt really blocked and I’ve been sick on and off, which is totally not like me.

Patty told me to not be so distressed and anxious over all the choices I have to choose from, but to look at it from the other way. Be happy that I have so many options and I can pick any one of them. I get to choose where I’ll be in the future. And she said, if the choice I make doesn’t work out, then on to the next one. She’s absolutely right. I’ve just felt trapped and anxious and stressed and I haven’t seen the big picture. But I’ve been carefully examining it now and I’ve finally felt more connected to myself, after almost 2 months of feeling completely off emotionally.

It was such a huge wave of relief when I finally had an epiphany (no, I’m not exagerating) and felt like myself. I felt connected to my own intuition and feelings and connected to everything that I want and who I am. It felt like I had a better idea on everything. Of course I don’t have everything figured out and I am still asking myself questions about who I essentially am but it’s already a step towards the right direction to feel connected. I’m gonna figure it out eventually. I’m gonna make choices and I will stick by them and when they don’t work out, I will try and be brave and move on to the next.

This might’ve been a pretty heavy start on blogging. I’m not typically very dark or moody but it’s been odd for the past few months since I’ve felt lost. And I’d never felt this lost before. But it’s already so much better right now. I feel good.


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